i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
