Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
