it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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