Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
