didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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