Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
