Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
