A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
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he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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