Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
