I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
