Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't deserve a penis
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
