so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
