well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Couch. On fire.
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