based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he fucked my hip out of place.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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