I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
