Can i not drive my cunt home
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
