the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
