we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My liver just had a heart attack.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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