rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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