That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
