Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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