I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
