I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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