Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
