if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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