If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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