I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
