Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery