I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage