Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now