Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
