so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
