Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
