i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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