i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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