The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Even my vagina gasped.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
