Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
