Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Randomize
