I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I supernannyed him into submission
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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