Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
