this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
