Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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