He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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