His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
