Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
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I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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