She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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