I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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