At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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