tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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