As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Oh god it's open bar.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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