The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
