she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
