Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
