proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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