I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
they need to just BURY HIM!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just high enough for therapy.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
