So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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