i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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